Again

Here we are again… a whole year since my last post. I’m done promising that I will keep it up for others. I would get rid of it all together except I feel like it has been there through a lot of things in my life. Especially through Kenya. And LOTS of days of singleness. I’m just not quite comfortable with just letting it fall away. So I’m going to just keep it up for me.

There have been some huge changes this past year that I want to chronicle. There is no way I can account for the whole last year, so here are just the high points.

August 2013: I got a permanent afternoon job at Aldersgate WCM and instantly felt at peace about being there.

Some where after that Laura finally bought a wedding dress and a date was established.

Dad was in ICU with a bleeding stomach ulcer. It was touch and go for a few days and we thought at one point that we were  going to loose him. I truly saw my church family become a family during this time. They loved on us and ministered to us in some amazingly beautiful ways.

January 2014: I got a full time teaching position at Aldersgate and fell in love with my class. I knew this was what I was supposed to be doing. I had lots of incredibly hard days. It challenged me in ways I was not expecting. Made me question a lot about myself. Made me see new ways of loving and caring for little ones.

Somewhere in here I threw my first lingerie shower for Laura. It was fun. And awkward. And a totally new experience. I’m glad we were able to do it for her even though we toned it down A LOT from what we joked about doing.

I also met my neighbors and I am so glad that I did. They have become some truly great friends. Without them knowing it I’m sure, they have almost daily challenged me to live the gospel out in both word and action.

March 2014: Joey and Laura FINALLY got married. We didn’t know if we would ever make it to this day to be honest. It was amazing. It was hard for me personally, I won’t sugar coat that, but it was beautiful to be part of all the background planning and chaos. I was so thankful to be able to watch their relationship grow to the next level. I’m so excited to see how it continues to change and develop over time.

I also became part of a singles bible study group. We are all middle to late 20s and early 30s, so I was glad to be with people in my own walk of life and experiences. It is through a Presbyterian church. I really enjoyed it. I was both challenged and accepted as friend at the same time. I cannot wait for fellowship with these people to start up again.

June 2014: I ran into someone while I was out with mom for dinner one night. His name is Ben. It was so unexpected and wonderful. We went out on many dates and had some personal and difficult talks, and we decided to make it official and enter into a courtship on June 21st. It has been hard. I won’t lie about it. I’ve cried a lot more lately. But I’ve also smiled and laughed and been super excited more a lot lately too. We are still getting to know each other, but I can say that I am honestly at peace about us. I have very little doubt that we will be together. I would be surprised if we did not get married some time next year. I haven’t enjoyed working through the barriers I’ve put up over the years or through the hurdles that are required in any normal relationships. Thankfully Ben gets along with my family wonderfully. And Joey and Laura really like him – which is a big deal for me.  I also get along with his family well, at least his parents since that is all I’ve met. But he points me back to the gospel almost daily which is truly a godsend. I won’t even pretend that I don’t need that.

August 2014: That catches up to now. I started my new school year a couple of weeks ago, and while I love it, I won’t lie that is has been tough. The kids have been a challenge. We are in a stage of constant crying, breaking blanket addictions, learning new routines and attempting to potty train. It. Is. Tough. but rewarding, in it’s own way.

And in just a couple days I will turn 27! When did that happen? How in my late twenties already with such little to show for it? I feel like life has just flown on by and I forgot to stop and smell the flowers a couple years along the way. I’m hoping a new year will bring some great challenges, new twists and turns, and hopefully a few surprises along the way. :) Here’s to new beginnings.

Friday night & Saturday.

All testosterone here.

My weekend so far

My life this Thursday morning to Sunday evening is full of 5 boys, craziness and new friendships. I’m sure there will be many more pictures to come.

A Hobbit Devotional

Sometimes, God reminds you that He needs to know you will do WHATEVER it is He is asking in WHATEVER circumstance He has you no matter how you feel about it. And I’m so incredibly blown away every time He does it.

Here is a little background. On December 12, 2013 I landed in Atlanta, Georgia after the best 6 months of my life. I was confused about wanting to be home so bad and wanting to be home in Kenya so bad. It was very confusing and it still is. I was overwhelmed with our culture, with white people, with so much food, electricity, running water and the love of people that was overly abounding. I was told of this girl named Jenny that prayed for me for MONTHS. I’ve never seen her, met her or much less talked to her, yet she and several other girls faithfully prayed for me while I was in Kenya. I was beyond thankful but thought I would never get to see her. I don’t know how long I had been home, not terribly long because we were in Target and I was ready to go home. I didn’t want to be out and around that people any more. I would say probably 2 weeks or so. Anyway I round this corner and here HEY BELLA! :/ Whaaaaa? It was Jenny. She acted like she had known me her whole life. Thankfully mom came and explained who she was and I felt better at the moment (I’m really thinking now that I’m ready to go home.)

Fast forward several months and Jenny starts going to our church. We talk occasionally but nothing has really clicked yet at this moment. Makes me laugh how I’ve had several friendships just click lately, Jenny and I just took a little more time. Fast forward even more to July 2013 and BOOM – there is the click. We start talking on the phone, texting, email, hanging out – I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. We were in a conversation probably 2 weeks ago and she told me, God just kept me in the situation I was in for months (possibly years) until I finally told him Lord, I will stay here. This is not where I want to be, but if this is where you want me then I will be content here. Later that night she was asking me about what I’m doing here while at home. And it was the same thing. I was honest, told her I don’t want to be here. I want to go home, to Kenya, but I’ve been praying and looking and the doors just are not open. I told her I love kids, so while working in a daycare is not what I want, if this is where God wants me, then this is where I will be a missionary for Him.

(I’m getting to where it all makes sense, I promise!) This past week I had a call from Auntie Sarah in Kenya. Every time I do I cry. It stirs emotions up in me just so. We didn’t talk long but I could hear all the noises of kids in the background and I wanted it so bad. LIKE OH MY GOODNESS I’M CALLING MY BOSSES AND QUITTING TOMORROW AND MOVING TO KENYA WITH THE FEW DOLLARS I HAVE IN MY POCKET bad. Not even 2 full days later I’m talking to Laurel and she said they would be more than happy for me to come back and do the other 6 months of my year commitment with them at the children’s home. At this point I’m dancing like a hot mess singing O Happy Day! Obviously I’ve sent my pastor an email about the whole thing, so nothing is official, but it is in my head now. And doors are open.

Last night, I lay down in bed and thought, I want to do my Hobbit devotional. It has probably been months since I picked the dern book up and when I did I accidentally skipped a whole lesson ahead. “Accidentally”. Here is what I read:

Solid and Adventerous

Then something Tookish woke up inside him, and he wished to go and see the great mountains, and hear the pine-trees and the waterfalls, and explore the caves.  -The Hobbit, Chapter 1

Bilbo lived in Hobbinton, where many years earlier his father, Bungo Baggins, had married the celebrated Belladonna Took. Now, the Tooks were a large clan of hobbits to the south in Green Hill country. (Took rhymes with kook, by the way.) The Baggines were considerably more practical, predictable and respectable than the Green Hill folk – after all, several Tooks had gone off on wild adventures. Nevertheless, the risk-taking Tooks were even wealthier than the Bagginses. Go figure.

The Tooks were natural leaders among hobbits. Tooks were “somewhat bolder and more adventerous” than the average Shire-folk. They were known for their daring deeds and boasted of producing some of the greatest heroes. In fact, the hereditary title Thain (leader of the Shire) was passed down to the head of the Took family.

In the beginning of this story, the Baggins side of Bilbo’s nature dominated, almost smothering his Tookish side. Many of us are Baggins-minded as well. We’re down-to-earth and rational. Oh, to be sure, we have our dreams- and every once and a while we stoke their glowing coals in our imagination. But we’re either to sensible to follow the dream, or hard experience has sent us, chastised, back to the safe confines of daily routine. We fulfill our desire for adventure by riding a motorcycle on the weekends or renting an action movie on Friday night.

And so our larger dreams go unfilled.

That’s what happened to Bilbo. His idealism had, over the years, been displaced by a more practical nature. Deep down, Bilbo still longed to see the wide world, to venture beyond the tame edges of his homeland – but he had settled down. He now fulfilled his youthful longings by taking extended walks around the Shire. Marking his favorite paths in red ink on his wall map, Bilbo took those same walks again and again. The dream had been replaced by a comfortable and quite manageable daydream. 

Then a stirring dwarf song – and dwarves can sing! – awakened Bilbo’s desire to venture out, even if that meant abandoning the safe world he knew. 

For most of us – hobbit or modern humans – it’s easier to be adventuresome when were “young and foolish.” Adventure is practically built into our young bodies. But, as we age, we desire more security. This is particularly true if we marry and have children. Suddenly our carefree, risk taking lifestyle seems out of place. Backpacking through Europe is no longer a viable option, so we get a “solid job.” We settle down into predictable schedules. And that’s all fine and necessary… as long as we don’t sink into immobility and completely lose our edge.

It’s great to enjoy an action movie on Friday night – and if you get a thrill from roaring down the highway on a motorbike, go for it. But these “adventures” fall well within our comfort zones. We’re more likely to avoid these chaotic experiences, where things happen unexpectedly and events are beyond our control. Those things that disrupt our stable plans or derail our set schedule are not quite welcome.

When Gandalf searched his memory for the ideal hobbit to join dwarves on a long adventure, he realized he wanted someone with a good, practical head on his shoulders. Someone solid and unflinching – such as a Baggins. The tough road ahead would require a stalwart soul who’d stay the course after the novelty wore off and the tedium set in. The ideal candidate also needed a little Took blood to get him started on the adventure in the first place – just not so much that he was an erratic, flight “fool of a Took.”

Bilbo fit the bill perfectly.

Like Bilbo, we have a deep and genuine need for security. But we can’t do without change, or we’ll simply stagnate. If we never expand our horizons, we’ll settle into deep mental ruts – maybe permanently. We need both security AND a sense of adventure.

Jesus warned that those who followed Him needed to be committed. “No one,” He said, “having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God” (Luke 9:62). He also cautioned regarding  “those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long. They fall away soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God’s word” (Mark 4:16-17).

Let’s plan to last.Let’s be committed to persevering in our Christian walk – in fact, to any venture to which we’re called. 

Are you a Baggins or a Took – or, like Bilbo, a blend of the two? 

I swear, if that was not perfect for what has happened in my brain this past week, then I don’t know what is. Will you pray with me and for me as I pray and search for guidance?

life in 2013

It has been over 2 months since I posted, I know. I feel like my mind these days are crazy. I don’t want to be inside it most days so I figured no one else wanted to.

Since I have a lot on my mind I might as well just do a list of what I’m talking about.

• I officially have 3 part time jobs. I work at Grace Pointe Child Development Center 3 days a week. I absolutely love it. I was asked to come back next year for full time (which is only 20 hours for them) and I said yes very emphatically! I love the way they handle many things. I love the staff. I love my boss. I just love it overall. I also sub when needed at Aldersgate and the Easy YMCA. Now, if I can find another 20-25 hours a week at either one of these places I may be set for the fall.
• I’m longing to move out. And I may have a place to go to, I just need to iron out some final details… one being what I just mentioned. I also need some roomies. Please pray for me to find some, and if you know of anyone wanting to move into Capitol Heights – tell them to text me or fb message me.
• I long for a husband. Not desperately. But the passion is there for sure. So I’m trying to stay focused and change to become the wife a Godly husband needs and wants. I want to be a help meet that gives God glory.
• I want to go back to Kenya daily. I miss my family there so bad that most days the mere thought of them makes me cry. I wonder if those 5 1/2 months were real. Was that really my life? Was that all some strange dream? It hurts to talk about them still, and I’m praying for finances and the ability to go back and visit them this year (my personal favorite) or in 2014 for sure.
• I’m slowly getting to where I want to be health wise. I’m almost under 30% body fat which was been a goal for me for a WHILE. After that, I’m trying to get it down to 26% or less. My weight is not moving much so I’m trying not to focus on the number on the scale, but my body and my clothing.
• I’ve had a migraine for the last 6 days that is completely different than any migraine I’ve had in my life. I’m visiting my neurologist tomorrow to get things checked out and hope that migraines are not something coming back into my life for a while.

I feel scrambled, but some how that seems normal.

job hunt

This time of year is kind of crazy for job hunting. Since I was supposed to be back in Kenya by now I didn’t plan on my looking for jobs in the middle of the school year (since I’m looking at Child Development Centers or daycare) so it has been kind of crazy and discouraging at the same time.

I’ve put applications and resumes out like crazy. Most places right now are only looking for people doing Sub work, and since I’ve never watched children in a classroom setting, lots of people have already turned me down for not having experience, but let’s be for real for a minute… how am I going to get that experience if you won’t even look at me? Let us all think that through for a minute…. ok – done!

I have been blessed however to meet two incredible ladies already who want to give me a shot doing some sub work. If you are looking for a place for your kids I would recommend talking to Sharon at Grace Point and Kristie at Aldersgate. These ladies are THEBOMB.COM. Seriously, I loved talking to them in small interviews. I’ve never felt more comfortable with an interviewer, I was laughing my head off with both women. I think that is awesome in someone who could potentially be your boss, or the director of a place that watches your children daily.

I shadowed my friend Mallory around yesterday at GP and loved it. The kids learn by playing with a purpose, which means they do more playing than curriculum teaching but each thing they play has a purpose or school that it helps them to develop. As a person who LOVES hands on myself I was in heaven. Who else DOES NOT want a job where they play with kids all day and can make money doing it? If you tell me then you need to get your brain checked out – weirdo. And today I went to A and met Kristie. You better believe I’m at my desk right now (except these few minutes to type this blog) filling out paperwork like crazy. Hopefully I will be able to tour the facility and start sub work there next week.

[Also, E goes to Aldersgate during the week so if something worked out there I would be able to see my precious little Asian baby often!!]

I’ve also got an interview planned next week to talk with Rosemary from Evangel. The good thing is that since I can only do subwork until summertime, it will help me to decide which teaching style I like most. Which center has the best environment, see who I connect with most and HOPEFULLY in the summertime one of these places will open to a full-time job.

The Lord has been good to me. He continues to grow my patience and belief in Him. I’m struggling with not having a plan in life still but I’m so thankful He has opened these doors up for this part-time work, both of which are in a church setting. If possible I will never work in a non-christian environment again, and I’m thankful for these opportunities.

2013

Here I am in another year. I’m still confused on my life and what I am supposed to do with it. I’m still operating on a day by day basis because that is all I can do. I figured I would post the few New Year resolutions I had thought about, but they are more about bettering myself really. Things that I can do and will do with God’s grace. Without ado, here they are.

• Hit -30 [or hit my goal of -40] pounds this year. In 2012 I lost 24 pounds because I got serious with my health. And had a fabulous 6 month eating plan called The Kenya diet. :) I want to continue to get healthy. Tone my body. Get my body fat % down into a more health level. I want to enjoy my body.
• Read 300 books this year. This seems a lot but I couldn’t short story compilations as books too and I can blow through a good number of those in a single day. If I could just get through Les Mis I may have a better chance at doing this.
• Read my bible and pray daily.
• Read through the whole New Testament.
• And a new one, get better at sewing and sell my products to save extra money for missions.

I think overall those are valid. They are things I can do. I would like to try to go to some arts and crafts fairs this year to sell some of my sewing. I’ve never even been to one, much less ever sold anything at one. BUT if any of you know anything about them, or know of any coming to Alabama please let me know! I am very interested.

2012 ended well: Joey and Laura are engaged, but unfortunately Joey was laid off the day after Christmas so until he finds a job they are not setting a date or planning anything. Christmas was awesome. I was able to really spend time with family, friends and my church and feel very connected. I’ve missed church, preaching, accountability – and am glad to be home for that again.

I was able to spend a few hours one day watching Grafton while B&K had an Advocare thing to do. It was sweet, I’ve missed that kid something serious.

I do miss my kids in Kenya though. These past couple days have been rough, more so than I was emotionally ready for. I saved my first conversation for the new year for a phone call to Kenya and made me so so sad to be honest. It was the first day I really wanted to go back home to Kenya. I’m starting to struggle with my mind regarding that. It is almost like I don’t want to talk about Kenya much because it makes me so sad. But I want to talk about it because I love it so much. It is confusing.

I spent a good part of NYD with my mom and some sweet friends. We went to visit Joe & Amy, as well as Michael & Kellie and all the kids. This was the first time I saw M&K since they left Kenya and it was amazing! I loved seeing them. I forgot already how much I loved kellie and our times together. She truly is a great friend. It was a wonderful time of fellowship, and I desperately need more of that in my life. Really. I’m struggling – and I need fellowship and Christ to pull me together.

I cannot wait to see what this year brings. It is going to be fantastic. I’m so hoping that Christ will continue to break me, to draw me to Himself, to change me and to make my heart exactly like His.

emotional

I seem to be extremely emotional this week about a ton of stuff. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat lately. I also feel really disconnected. I don’t know if it is the move, or this birth control I’m on messing with my hormones. It could be both. Or the fact that no one in my family wants to talk about the fact that I’m moving in 50 days because they don’t want to think about it. I feel confused. But I’m not a fan. I don’t want to go into detail on the WWW about all the million things I’m feeling and thinking right now.

I do have a lot of questions, and what ifs and a lot of doubts lately. I wonder if I’m making the right choice. Am I ready? How am I going to leave these people behind? Am I really supposed to be doing this? I’m not ready to move. Am I faithful enough to be going? Who am I? What could I ever teach to any of these children? Was this really God moving me or just me wanting this? How am I going to handle another culture? I am so selfish.

On that note, April told me this morning that her and E are leaving next week. Back story: Simon, April and E were supposed to be going to China this summer to visit family. Simon ended up having emergency back surgery last month and will not be able to go on the trip since he has not had a full recovery. Because of that April and E are leaving from Montgomery to go to China for 2 months meaning I won’t see them again before I leave. And I’m not ready for that. I will see and watch G up until the week before I leave, and I honestly expected more time with E since they were originally not going to leave until 2 weeks before me.

I feel conflicted. Simon’s parents have never seen E, and April’s parents have not seen her since she was 6 months old (she will be 2 in August) so I am incredibly happy for them! And the girls will have 2 months together. And Simon can have plenty of time alone so he can have more recovery time and teach his summer classes. I just honestly was not ready to say good-bye yet to the kids and their families.

So, I am even more emotional now.

Reading

Part of why I never planned on buying myself an ereader is because I knew I would go into book hyperdrive. Truth. I love to read. Truth. I’ve read 14 books since Christmas. Truth. I’m currently reading 7 books at the same time. I am making myself finish one book before I start another because if not, pretty soon my being read folder is going to be full of all 184 books I have stored on my kindle.

It really just comes down to the fact that I absolutely love to read. I cannot get enough of it. On a rainy gloomy day, much like what today has turned into, I would rather get into my jammies with some hot tea and curl up with a good book over watching movies any day. I’m thankful that I grew up with parents (mostly my mom) who had an insatiable desire to read. I’m pretty sure that was borne into my DNA the moment I was conceived. And I’m completely ok with that.

Here is a list of books I have read, and a small critique of them:
1.The Evil Within (Horror Anthology)- a collection of short stories by 8 different people. It was really enjoyable and really creepy. They did not skimp on gross and crazy details. I screamed a couple of times and almost barfed (excuse me being so candid) when I read one story. I would recommend it if you do not have a weak stomach.
2.Cat Calls by Cynthia Leitich Smith – a story set in a traveling circus. A grandmother gets her granddaughter to spend the summer with her. While there, the young girl starts crystal ball gazing to see if she has the gift. After meeting a strange young boy she feels new sensations in herself that she has never felt before. After following him into a field at night she discovers that like her father whom she never knew, she can transform into a cat at will. Not a good story really. And badly written.
3.Laundry Day by Stacy Juba – a horrible short story. A husband and wife find their neighbor has been brutally murdered, whom was the wides best friend. The neighbors husband ended up killing his wife when he found out she was having a lesbian affair. And the other woman ended up being her best friend. The husband tries to kill her also but is stopped by her own husband who has to come to terms that his wife was not only having an affair but it was with another woman.
4.The Emo Bunny that Should by John H. Carroll – part of a series of short stories for “demented children”. All 3 of his stories have been funny. I enjoyed them when I was only wanting a little light reading.
5.Unholy Cow by John H. Carroll
6.Attack of the Sugar Plum Fairiesnby John H. Carroll
7.The New World by Patrick Ness – my first alien story. Also a short story. A planet full of beings that have been living in their ships for generations after their own planet has become inhabitable send a family to a new planet to initiate colonization. Their first people sent have never reported so this new family is essentially going into the mission blind. After a horrible crash landing one lone survivor must learn how to survive with no way of reporting back for help. This is an introduction to a series and I’ve really considered getting the other books because of how good this one was.
8.Teddy Bear by Linda Lavid – HORRIBLE short story. Full of smut and raunch and really not much of an actual story line. I kept reading in the hopes that it would get better and it continuously got worse. Super disappointed.
9.Croaker: Kill Me Again by Paul Bishop – great book. He has about 5 other books on my kindle. Paul is an ex cop so he brings legitimate knowledge of how the system works to his writing. This is about a murder of a lady who died 10 years earlier and the chase that occurs to find out who she really is and what has happened over the last 10 years. Amazingly written. I could not put the story down. Literally read it in about a day I believe. It was my first read after getting the gift.
10.THEY by Vincent Hobbes – my next scifi read. Not sure really if it was about aliens to be honest. Most of the story was written to let your imagination control. It reminded me very much of something you would read from Stephen King in his early days. I would very much recommend this short story if you want something to freak you out.
11.Bear Season by Casey A. Childers – good story. Couldn’t tell you for the life of me the exact plot of this story. It was good and fun. Written a good bit like the viewpoint of a child over summer break, but I’m not sure if the adventure the three children and the bear they met was really happening or just how they rationalized their summer to themselves. It was good just very confusing on the whole.
12.Christmas Stories by Charles Dickens – just a collection of his Christmas time stories. Read this the last week of December and was surprised at how many classic holiday stories I had never read. I very much enjoyed it.
13.The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka – FAVORITE short story of all time. Very easy for me to say. This is about a man who wakes up one day and has turned into a large beetle without any idea of how or why or any knowledge of whether or not he will stay that way or ever return to normal. It was written amazing. Sad ending that I did not expect but it was an amazing look into a writing genius mind (in my opinion). I cannot wait to read more of his works.
14.Grimm’s Fairy Stories by Jacob Grimm and Wilhelm Grimm – great stories. I never realized how many of our children’s stories were based on, or similar to the Grimm stories. They are a good bit more dark and disturbing though. More like an older persons fairy tales. I would most definitely recommend this to anyone of they are looking for a good read.

I follow a blog on the kindle and it send out a post with two or three free books in the kindle store have in there. I’m not allowed, by myself, to add any more until these are all read. Or there is only one or two left.
1. The First 200 days by David Barron
2. The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne
3. The Man Who Was Thursday, a nightmare by G.K. Chesterton
4. Croaker: Grave Sins by Paul Bishop
5. The Complete Works of H.P. Lovecraft
6. Short Stories by Franz Kafka
7. Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift

Sorry this post is so crazy long. Like I said, I enjoy most anything that has to do with reading. I hope you will check into some of these books. You can always get something out of a story whether it is good or bad. It opens you to a world that most forget how to get into once they get out of innocent childhood. And who couldn’t use an escape now and again?

2012

2012. When did that happen? It has been 3 months since my last post. Good gracious. I wish I could go back and fill you in on all those things that happened. Truth is, it has been a rough 3 months. And in all honesty, there are some parts of those 3 months I don’t really want to rethink. I got sick and it threw me into a funk. I didn’t eat well. Or sleep well. I didn’t go to the gym for a month and a half and gained back 5 pounds of the 12 I had lost. I didn’t leave the house much, and didn’t go out with friends much either. I was just stuck into a funk but I’m out of it now. I’m currently sick with the Alabama crazy weather crud and missing church and thought now would be a perfect time to get back onto the map.

Here are some things that I was happy happened before the end of 2011:

1. Pawpaw was officially cancer free.
2. Dad came home from Korea.
3. I lost 10 pounds.
4. I made several acceptable shirts and skirts on the sewing machine.
5. E’s family gave me a kindle for Christmas.
6. G’s family announced their plans for adoption.
7. They also gave me a caregiver angel for christmas.
8. I really got involved in the life of my friend Vega.
9. Rekindled a strained friendship with Alaura.
10. Saw a good friend get married.

I spent new years with my best friend Vega, and some new friends I met in Old Cloverdale. We started the night at El Ray’s and then ended it at 1048 down the street. It was something new in my life. I had never spent ringing in the new year outside my house really. Never partied it into the new year. It was nice. I probably won’t drink again for a while, but I would like to go back and dance with some friends at 1048 this year.

Here are some things I plan on doing would like to do this year:

1. Move to Kenya.
2. Go skydiving.
3. Go on a successful/fun date.
4. Get a tribute tattoo for mawmaw and pawpaw.
5. Turn 25 in Africa.
6. See Joey and Laura graduate college.
7. Get rid of a good bit of the physical junk I’ve accumulated.

I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life in the last couple months. We have had to get used to dad being back into the house after 9 months of being gone. To say it has been a challenge would be a slight understatement. The Lord is teaching us all something right now, and unfortunately we just are not getting it. As Pastor Shawn has said, becoming disciplined by God is not a painless thing. I don’t really want to go into any more details to be honest. It is just hard some days, I don’t want to think about life. I just want to be a child with the kids – be simple.

I have realized how much I love to read again. I’ve missed sitting back and just reading at night. It seems without my knowing, and much to my distaste I started watching too much television and ignoring the world. That made me a bit uncomfortable when I realized it. I haven’t taken the kids outside as much as I used to. Or sat them down to read a book. Or play blocks with them. And that makes me sad. I did not want to be that nanny. So now that I realize that, I plan on being more proactive with my time and the kids time.

I’ve had a hard time with the moving opportunity. I WAS going. Then I wasn’t. Then I was. Then it was if I do. Then it was I’m not going. It’s been a lot to think about. I have about 48560137509645 questions in my head. And what if’s. I’ve got my own problems to work out. I don’t read my bible. I feel so guilty that most days I don’t pray. How am I going to go to Africa and teach these children about a God I know is real. A God that works daily in my life. But a God that I don’t put my own hope in. The only I don’t 10000% trust. What is wrong with me? I’ve been working through so much. I am going, unless the church comes back with information I don’t know and do not think this is a wise thing, I am planning on leaving in June. God, do I have so much I need to get right in me. That alone is overwhelming. Then there is medical questions. Or I think about the things I think I will be missing. What if I get over there and hate it. What if I get incredibly homesick after only a couple of months. What is there is a death in my family? What will I do with my car? Will I find a church that will keep me accountable or fed like Mview? What if I can’t keep up with the pace of construction, the daily demands? What if the medlin’s leave after I’ve only been there a couple of months? I cannot do that on my own. How will I leave Elynn and Grafton? I drive myself crazy daily thinking about 654321 things.

I feel like my brain may explode some days, it seems when one thing happens it is 200 things. It can be so overwhelming. Why can’t I just trust God? Why do I try to rely on my weak self? Please someone give me some advice on what I can do to rely on God instantly.

Then there is my health. I’ve got slightly high cholesterol already, and I’m trying to get that under control. I’ve changed to the paleo lifestyle. All I can eat regularly is lean meats, fish, nuts, fruits and veggies. No dairy and no starches or sugars. It has been a bit hard. I’ve cheated now and again but overall I enjoy it to be honest. I just need to get myself in check now. I refuse to be like dad with my health.

It was my grandmother’s birthday last week and I really wished I could have met her. It seems like she was amazing lady. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to go back to a different time. Just so I could watch and see what people were like. Not like time travelers wife back in time, more just being there but invisible to others going back. See what my parents were like before they had kids, what they were like when they were just kids. To see my grandparents when they were carefree teens in love without any kind of cares. To see who I used to be before circumstances made me jaded. I wish sometimes that I could just walk through my life and learn all those lessons I obviously didn’t get until it was learning them the hard way. Wish I could walk through all those memories I didn’t cherish of my friends and grandparents because I was a snotty teen who thought they knew everything. What I would give to remember every. single. spend. the. night. party. with my mawmaw and pawpaw. Remember exactly every smoosley and smosley story pawpaw told me. Remember everything my mawmaw told me about life while we were putting together a puzzle. Remember every phone call I had with grandma and grandpa.

No, I’m not depressed or suicidal or anything. Just thinking about the person I am and what I would have been like if I had really given more attention those teen years.

I’ve contemplated going back to school when I move back home. I want to work with children the rest of my life. That I do know for sure. I’ve thought about getting a masters in child development. Or child psychology. I would like to work in a development center. Or a daycare. Or a child advocacy center. This is all just a thought in the back of my head at the moment, nothing concrete. Just weighing my options. If you have schooling in something along those lines please talk to me! I would love to hear from you.

I know this is random. There really is no theme holding this post together. It’s just me writing the many things going on in my life. I’m not saying I will post regularly again because we all know life happens. So we shall see where this blog goes the next couple of weeks.