defining moments

For some reason I have a pair of whoospas tonight and think it’s time to share something about me that will help a lot of you to understand me and who I am. I may talk in circles to get my point across so please be patient. This is going to be a shocker of a post, just to warn you.

Defining moments in your life. We all have them. This is something I have struggled with a lot in my life. And recently I just have really worked through some things and understand a lot more about my life and those moments.

You see everyone has defining moments in their life:

• graduating high school/college
• being married
• having children
• loosing a parent/sibling/child
• clearly hearing/feeling God in their life
• being assaulted physically/emotionally/sexually
• a tragic accident that took away something from them (a person/a sense/body part, ect)
• overcoming a certain circumstance in life/ rising above whatever that circumstance is and moving on

The list is unending. What seems earth shattering to me may be laughable to you. The point is that we all have them.

It can be almost anything that moves that person, something that changes them – whether good or bad. My mom lost my grandmother to cancer when mom was only 19. Joey was in a horrible rollover car accident when he was only 15 that led to PTSS for a couple of years. Dad spent 9 months in Korea for work. My pawpaw fought and lived through colon cancer. And when I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by my best friend.

For years I was angry. Hurt. I was led to believe this was my fault. That I was worthless of love. I put all my worth and everything else into the fact that no one loved me. Which is horrible logic – but it was how my brain had been changed and led to believe a new value of worth. No one showed me true genuine love. I still struggle with being single, and it is because I put my worth into being with someone. I crave that affection from someone. I lived with this secret. I told my youth minister in 2005 and went to counseling not really dealing with anything. I then told  someone who is a precious friend now for the first time when we roomed together in Kenya in 2008. I told my parents and brother in 2011. I lived believing that being a rape victim was my only defining moment. It was WHO I was, what I was. Damaged goods. How wrong is that?

I was just talking with my mom about this exact thing last weekend, that I am lucky that my brain has found a way to protect me and I know some people do not have it this lucky. I can remember the events of that day clear as day. I was asking for a ride home from D since I had missed the bus. We went by his house so he could pick something up. I followed him inside. Thankfully from here on out I remember things like I was watching a movie. The personal feelings are gone and I am ok with leaving it like that. I remember everything that happened, the things he said, but do not remember any feelings of pain. Or desperation. Or lack of hope. And then I remember coming home.

From the age of 15 to 23 that is who I was. Another girl. Another abused, worthless, un-lovable girl. It hurt. Was hard. I thought about suicide. I drank a good bit in college and smoked weed with some people. I was trying to self-medicate. I think that is part of why I decided to go into psychology, to study the mind, especially in cases like mine where a traumatic defining moment had occurred.

I was and am still jaded when it comes to men. I struggle with anxiety when I think about being alone with a guy I don’t know terribly well. I get scared when I think of Lord willing one day being married, how much I want a healthy sexual relationship but how much I will have to work through things to get there. I have a hard time being single still. Almost 10 years later I feel a lot of worthlessness and that when D said I wasn’t worth being loved that he was right. It is a life long battle that I will continue to work though.

Fast forward to 2011 and we come to a conversation I had with a dear friend who was so much more than a counselor to me. I remember talking to Brenda about how things went down with D and how I felt for years. I learned that yes, this was a defining moment in my life but that thankfully, it was not THE DEFINING MOMENT of my life. What? Excuse me? But what do I do with this pain/anger/confusion from the last 10 years? You let it go. You forgive D. You pray for D. (that was the hardest part)

THE DEFINING MOMENT in MY life was when Jesus brought me to him truly. Not when I was 13 and walked the aisle with my mother, not when I was baptised. Not when I went to church for years. It was when I was 18 and He covered me with grace. When He became my Father. My love that would never hurt me. The comforter of my soul in countless nights of nightmares. My purity when I thought of how unclean I was. My true love. He became so much to me. The healer of my pain. The completeness of my heart that I had longed for so many years. He was someone to listen to me and actually KNOW the pain I felt. He was peace. (I say was but it also means IS, just trying to explain what He became that day)

I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t. I had and still have a mediocre relationship with God. I struggle with feeling so unworthy and unable to come before the throne and speak to God. I have a hard time moving on sometimes and I do get angry with God. And then seconds later I am thankful for what happened. Not that I would wish this on anyone – it’s a hard recovery. But the kind of person I am is strange. Coming to church would have never been enough to bring me to Christ (Yes, He is the only one who can do that), I am the person who needed something big to happen. Go big or go home. I needed something to just throw me at and forcefully drive me to the cross. While it has been hard, I am thankful for the amazing things He has done through this. The people he has let me talk to about this and help them out.

The difference is that now when these thoughts creep into my head I know the truth. I have hope to move on and not focus on the pain that still lingers. I know that God was there even then, working out amazing things.

I’ve seen D around town since he has moved back here. The first time I saw him I felt disgusted. Literally throwing up in my own mouth. It was something I hoped I would never have to face. But now I pray for him. I even pray that if God ever opens doors for me to speak to D that I will be patient, and loving, and share the gospel with my words and life to him. I have forgiven him, and I cannot explain the peace and joy I felt when I let go of that harbored anger and bitterness. The way it just eats at you is unreal.

I pray that D will come to know Jesus in his life if he doesn’t already. And if he ever comes to me and asks me for forgiveness then I know it will be a sweet time of fellowship and closure in our life. And if that never happens I know that it is ok also. While it can never compare with how Christ must feel daily by just MY actions, I have an incredibly small feeling and insight as to what that must be like.

To you, the girl, boy, woman, man who has been through THAT circumstance. THAT struggle. THAT continuous thorn in your side, THE never ending pain that you can’t seem to work through. THAT (whatever it is) is NOT WHO or WHAT you are. It IS part of you,yes, it will always be there and God is using that for some purpose He has planned out. But that will NEVER be you. Use it in your life, but don’t let it control you/define you/mark you for life. You CAN and WILL move on with Jesus.

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